"Battlefield"-Jordin Sparks

I guess I am kind of on the Complaining Train these days. Sorry about that. But I really want to take issue with this new Jordin Sparks song, "Battlefield."

Now, ya'll know that I am a fan of The Pop Music. I am not going to diss something on the basis of it being tasty and kind of gross like a bag of neon orange Cheddar and Sour Cream ruffles. I will eat the whole bag of that.

However, this song is like, I don't know, Reduced Fat knock-off brand Pringles. For god's sake. It is marketed as being awesome but it is not. At all.

The song was written by The Runaways, the writing/production team that brought us the also-mediocre "Love Like This" by Natasha Bedingfield ft. Sean Kingston. Wikipedia has some quotes from Jordin Sparks about how she responded when they first brought the song to her. Here is one: "He played the song and honestly my jaw hit the floor." Jordin. You should get that looked at. I am going to google "jaw doctor" for you.

Apparently critics really like this song. They have compared it to Beyonce's "Halo" and Leona Lewis's "Bleeding Love," which are both universes of quality beyond this one. Another song that is a lot better is Jordin Sparks' other hit "One Step At A Time," which is actually fantastic. So it's not like she's never done anything reasonable. Plus, that "When The Levee Breaks" beat is so awesome, if it can't make a song good, there must be something real broken about it.

Look, we've already established that it's bad. But the worst part is that "Battlefield" is a straight-up rip-off of Pat Benetar. I checked on the internet to see who else was irritated by this. Some random-ass person on "answers.yahoo.com" (this is where I go to solve all my personal problems and find out important world news) asked if the new song was based on the old one. And someone responded: "I don't see how. They are nothing alike. Incidentally, Michelle Branch, Faith Hill and The Prodigy each made songs called "Breathe" that sound nothing alike."
BUT the concept of breathing is kind of a big deal. We all have to breathe every day, like, all the time. Love being a battlefield is a bit rarified, don't you think? As much as there is a ring of truth to it (people in love fighting woahhhh), I think we could hit this particular metaphor once and then move forward to a new one. How about "Love is a dentist's chair, I am dreading it" or "Love is imitation crab, full of mystery." I am giving these ideas to you for free, just to get you started.

I was listening to this song while I wrote this for more ideas, but I had to turn it off in the middle of the second listen. It is THAT BAD. I'm going to go listen to "Halo" now, and possibly eat some of those Cheddar and Sour Cream ruffles, now that I'm thinking about them.

see if you can get through it once