"Battlefield"-Jordin Sparks

I guess I am kind of on the Complaining Train these days. Sorry about that. But I really want to take issue with this new Jordin Sparks song, "Battlefield."

Now, ya'll know that I am a fan of The Pop Music. I am not going to diss something on the basis of it being tasty and kind of gross like a bag of neon orange Cheddar and Sour Cream ruffles. I will eat the whole bag of that.

However, this song is like, I don't know, Reduced Fat knock-off brand Pringles. For god's sake. It is marketed as being awesome but it is not. At all.

The song was written by The Runaways, the writing/production team that brought us the also-mediocre "Love Like This" by Natasha Bedingfield ft. Sean Kingston. Wikipedia has some quotes from Jordin Sparks about how she responded when they first brought the song to her. Here is one: "He played the song and honestly my jaw hit the floor." Jordin. You should get that looked at. I am going to google "jaw doctor" for you.

Apparently critics really like this song. They have compared it to Beyonce's "Halo" and Leona Lewis's "Bleeding Love," which are both universes of quality beyond this one. Another song that is a lot better is Jordin Sparks' other hit "One Step At A Time," which is actually fantastic. So it's not like she's never done anything reasonable. Plus, that "When The Levee Breaks" beat is so awesome, if it can't make a song good, there must be something real broken about it.

Look, we've already established that it's bad. But the worst part is that "Battlefield" is a straight-up rip-off of Pat Benetar. I checked on the internet to see who else was irritated by this. Some random-ass person on "answers.yahoo.com" (this is where I go to solve all my personal problems and find out important world news) asked if the new song was based on the old one. And someone responded: "I don't see how. They are nothing alike. Incidentally, Michelle Branch, Faith Hill and The Prodigy each made songs called "Breathe" that sound nothing alike."
BUT the concept of breathing is kind of a big deal. We all have to breathe every day, like, all the time. Love being a battlefield is a bit rarified, don't you think? As much as there is a ring of truth to it (people in love fighting woahhhh), I think we could hit this particular metaphor once and then move forward to a new one. How about "Love is a dentist's chair, I am dreading it" or "Love is imitation crab, full of mystery." I am giving these ideas to you for free, just to get you started.

I was listening to this song while I wrote this for more ideas, but I had to turn it off in the middle of the second listen. It is THAT BAD. I'm going to go listen to "Halo" now, and possibly eat some of those Cheddar and Sour Cream ruffles, now that I'm thinking about them.

see if you can get through it once

"Old Time Rock and Roll"-Bob Seger

Is it just me, or are songs that are about "rock and roll" some of the most boring songs on the planet?

Exhibits A, B, and C:

1. "Old Time Rock and Roll"-Bob Seger
2. "I Love Rock 'n Roll"-Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
3. "It's Only Rock 'n Roll (But I Like It)"-The Rolling Stones

If you have to state your case for rock, you're already overstating it. Suck, suck, and more suck.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6UJZtCz1-c

"We Weren't Crazy"-Josh Gracin

Not to be beating on my country music drum all the time, but I feel I have to make a point about country songs because no one else seems to be doing it.

I've been driving around town a lot lately listening to radio, and I will admit that a number of the songs that come on the country station are totally sucky and I have to change the channel after like thirty seconds. An example of this is "Cowboy Casanova," by Carrie Underwood, which is a big old mouse poop of a song. Like, for real, it is the worst.

However, today I was washing dishes and heard "We Weren't Crazy" by Josh Gracin. As with a lot of these songs, sometimes the verses are neutral---as in, they're not really good or bad, and it's only in the context of the chorus that you can decide whether to be into them or not. But once that chorus came crashing in, I was heading for my laptop to find out what it was called so that I could buy it.

The concept of this song is a simple one: they were young, they were wild, they were restless, but they weren't crazy. People thought they would never make it, but then they did. And now they have babies and and are sticking their tongues out at everyone like, "nanny nanny boo boo."

I know what you're thinking, and I agree that this could all add up to a very bad, very stupid thing. But it's the chorus that saves it, by having that rhythmically seductive hook that winds around itself like the best country choruses do. It's fast, and you can yell it, but it pushes against the chord changes in just the right way. Especially the melodic choices on "We were lovin' blind / borderline reckless," and the way "lovin' blind" internally rhymes with "borderline." I mean, I just cannot say enough good things about this hook. As with vegetarian chicken patties, you have to try it to believe it.

Plus the whole concept is kind of romantic---"We had a lot of fun, didn't we? And we still do."

In conclusion, the best country songs are the ones that come in halfway through and hit me in the back of the head and make me cry a little bit, even when I'm not about to get my period.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0AOQTZpi8Y

"Challengers"-The New Pornographers

I was doing "song a day" but it seems like if I can start shooting for "song a month," that will be a good goal.

This is the best song about forbidden love EVARRRR plus it has the banjo in it which makes it even hotter.

The music video showcases these elements (banjo + forbidden love) plus Neko Case drinking some radioactive soda out of a plastic cup.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHWWWa8EvzI

"Slow Show"-The National

"You know I dreamed about you for twenty-nine years before I saw you/
You know I dreamed about you/
I missed you for twenty-nine years"


This song is a time capsule that I'm not allowed to open until I'm 29.

"My Routine"-Don Lennon

"My Routine" is probably one of the best songs I've ever heard about wanting to be an artist. It's sung from the perspective of a guy working as a clean-up boy at a supermarket (or something similar) whose real passion is stand-up comedy. Any "creative type" (is there a way to use that phrase without self-loathing?) who has worked at a shitty job can instantly identify with the first lines: "I know I seem spaced out, I'm / Working on my routine all the time."

What's great about the song is that it approaches the subject matter on a number of levels. There's something equal parts pathetic and inspiring about the protagonist, as there maybe is about any struggling artist. Sometimes he seems grandiose, especially when he awkwardly speaks in the language of professional comedians, and this is the source of many the song's humorous moments ("Some of my stuff is kind of old / But I don't wanna take it out, I mean, it's gold"). And sometimes he seems impressively determined, as in the double meaning of "So bring me the dustpan and the broom / Somebody get me the vacuum / Cause I'm about to clean up here, just watch me." But above all, he cares about his craft, which is what elevates his narrative from simple boasting.

The music that accompanies the story sets just the right tone, and Lennon sings the character as entirely earnest but with a hint of melancholy. After all, wanting to be a comedian is tough. The real-world consequences of being a committed dreamer are briefly touched on in the part about the bookstore job he liked but lost: "Inspiration struck me and / The boxcutter jumped out of my hand."

Overall, there's a sense of inevitability--even if he never makes it, even if he sucks, comedy is what he was born to do. And the song's emotional complexity comes in part from the fact that he could be the next Steve Martin or Lenny Bruce, but maybe he won't. He doesn't know; we as the audience don't know. But we do know that Don Lennon, the songwriter, has made something magical happen, even if most people don't know who he is. And that in itself is a triumph.


listen here

"I'm Only Sleeping"-The Beatles

"I'm Only Sleeping" is sung by John. But then on the line "Keeping an eye on the world going by my window," Paul joins in on harmony, and the three words "by my window" just pop straight out of the song in 3D Paul-ness. It's like, "Woah, THERE he is." On the ends of phrases in particular, he's unmistakable.

Do you ever think about how weird that is? That a person's singing voice is like handwriting---can be imitated but never exactly copied? People can complain about Paul forever, but he has something that no one can take away, which is that he's Paul.



listen for it around 1:16 and and again at 2:04